


and I'm a goddamn coward, but then again so are you

by emilia_kaisa



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Complicated Relationships, Feelings Realization, M/M, Not Beta Read
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-29
Updated: 2019-04-29
Packaged: 2020-02-09 23:26:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18648262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilia_kaisa/pseuds/emilia_kaisa
Summary: He couldn't stand Javi those days. He flinched at the sound of his laughter. He couldn't watch him jump, he couldn't watch him smile and talk to Brian like everything was fine.But at the same time, he missed him. He missed him so terribly, the longing impritnted deep between his ribs, and sometimes it was so suffocating he had to stop and close his eyes, and try to calm himself down.Why was it so complicated?Why couldn't it be just like before, with them smiling at each other from across the ice and joking in locker rooms?'Because' a voice whispered cruelly in the back of his head 'Because it was you who was winning.'





	and I'm a goddamn coward, but then again so are you

**Author's Note:**

> So. Idk what and why, but I've a love- hate relationship with this piece, and I hope you will enjoy! You can tell by the tags it won't be too fluffy tho :D  
> Title from Lion's roar by First Aid Kit. I'm sorry for any mistakes that escaped my attention, English is not my first language.  
> And of course, 1000000% fiction!

Nothing was like before.

The sound of his blades on the ice was harsher. Light more blinding, music coursing through his veins and finding its way to his heart quicker and stronger, like the determination Yuzuru was feeling.

It was different. But it had to be, Yuzuru knew that. He knew something had to change, because he wouldn't take losing for the third time in a row. Even to Javi.

Or now, maybe especially to Javi.

It was different between them, now. It was different, and Yuzuru knew it was only because of him. But he needed distance, because he couldn't get rid of a feeling that maybe the lack of it was the reason he had lost, twice, something he had never really expected to happen.

He wasn't sure if Javi understood, and Yuzuru tried not to care about that. He had learned recently that thinking about Javi too much was dangerous. It was misleading, and it was making Yuzuru soft, and it was making his heart flutter, and he couldn't allow it, whatever it was.

It was suddenly dangerous, to be close to Javi, and still Yuzuru had to force his body from looking for a contact. So he stepped back, turned his head away, pretended he didn't see confusion and gentle hurt in Javi's eyes.

He clenched his teeth. He pushed forward.

He couldn't allow himself to be weak.

 

* * *

 

Yuzuru couldn't really understand himself anymore. He couldn't understand his body, longing for Javi's touch, something he had been denying himself for weeks now, and a part of him felt like he was starving, and he hated, he hated it.

He couldn't stand Javi those days. He flinched at the sound of his laughter. He couldn't watch him jump, he couldn't watch him smile and talk to Brian like everything was fine.

But at the same time, he missed him. He missed him so terribly, the longing imprinted deep between his ribs, and sometimes it was so suffocating he had to stop and close his eyes, and try to calm himself down.

Why was it so complicated?

Why couldn't it be just like before, with them smiling at each other from across the ice and joking in locker rooms.

 _Because_ a voice whispered cruelly in the back of his head _Because it was you who was winning._

 

* * *

 

It happened on Yuzuru's worst day in a while. He fell on almost every quad attempt. He fell on a triple axel. His skin was itching.

He wanted to scream, to kick, and he was sick of everyone's sympathetic smiles.

And when he walked into the locker room, Javi was already there, his hair still wet from the shower. Yuzuru wished he wasn't there.

"Hi." Javi smiled tentatively, with the smile that had never changed, despite that heavy, awkward atmosphere that was sticking to their skin for long weeks now.

Yuzuru just nodded tightly, and Javi's expression turned thoughtful.

"Look, I get that you want to focus and everything, but I was just wondering if- if we're cool?"

And suddenly, just like that, Yuzuru felt angry. Angry at Javi, for being so fucking nice, angry at himself for wanting to throw himself into Javi's arms and maybe cry a little.

His body longed for that, but that would ruin everything.

So he just glanced at him and walked,passing Javi and hoping that he would let that go, like usually.

But he didn't, that time.

“Hey, just answer me-” Javi pleaded and Yuzuru felt his fingers wrapping around his wrist, and something burned inside Yuzuru, harsh, blinding and terrifying. He couldn't stand that touch, he couldn't listen to Javi's voice, when he acted like he cared, but he shouldn't, and Yuzuru didn't want to believe him-

“Yuzu?”

Javi's voice was quiet and a bit raspy, and Yuzuru didn't feel like himself anymore, like something or someone took control over his body.

“Hey-”

Yuzuru turned around and slapped him.

There was barely any force to that, but Javi let out a quiet, surprised gasp that snapped Yuzuru out of his daze immediately, and he fully understood what he just did, and his breathing hitched, his heart almost stopping before resuming into a fast, frantic rhythm. What had he done? Why-?

Javi was still holding him, and his fingers were burning Yuzuru's skin, but it was his expression that made Yuzuru feel so cold it hurt.

Javi's lips were parted and his eyes were so wide and surprised he looked almost like a teenager. But then his gaze turned blurry with pain and Yuzuru knew that it wasn't caused by the hit.

“Javi.” he said in a trembling voice, the name leaving his mouth as if without his will, and Javi blinked slowly. Then he inhaled sharply and took a step back, letting go of Yuzuru, his eyes boring into Yuzuru's soul.

He had to say something, he had to-

“I'm sorry, I-”

His chest burned, his tongue and throat too dry to deal with English.

Javi just shook his head, taking two more steps back, and Yuzuru realized it was the first time Javi was putting distance between them.

It was Yuzuru's thing, usually.

“Javi-” he tried again, but Javi shook his head one more time, grabbing his bag from the bench.

He didn't even look angry. Just sad. Defeated.

The door clicked quietly when he left and only then Yuzuru was able to take breath as he flopped on the bench, his shoulder shaking.

He didn't know why he had done that, and now he was feeling sick with himself.

He had wanted distance, but that- that was-

That was probably the worst thing he had ever done.

Yuzuru closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to finally understand what the hell was going on with him, and why it felt like his heart suddenly wasn't whole anymore.

 

* * *

 

“What are you doing here?” Javi asked and Yuzuru swallowed hard, not really able to make a sound. Javi's voice was blank, just like his whole expression, and Yuzuru had never seen him like that. Javi was always smiling, but not now, and it was a shock to Yuzuru, to see him like that.

“I want to apologize.” Yuzuru finally managed to say, his voice coming out quiet and a bit too high.

“You already have.” Javi said flatly and Yuzuru felt awfully exposed like that, still standing in the corridor with Javi standing at the door with no intention of letting him in, apparently.

“So you can go now.” Javi added, and what terrified Yuzuru the most was the tone of his voice. He didn't sound angry, or disappointed, or hostile. Just tired. Flat.

“Javi, please.” Yuzuru tried again, and he realized that he was basically pleading now, something he had never done before, because he didn't need to.

Javi looked at him for a moment, still with that expressionless, blank gaze, and then he stepped aside, letting Yuzuru in. Yuzuru half expected that Javi would lead him further, but Javi just stood there by the closed door, his arms folded on his chest, clearly expecting him to say something.

But the thing was, Yuzuru didn't know what to say. How could he, since he had no idea what he was feeling? It was too much. A part of him wanted to put distance between him and Javi, but there was also a spark in his chest, hot and nagging, that was getting only brighter and hotter every time they were standing close, even now, when Javi was looking at him like they were strangers.

Or maybe they were strangers, even after all those years. Maybe they didn't know each other at all, and they didn't know themselves.

“I'm sorry.” Yuzuru whispered and Javi sighed, his shoulders dropping.

“I know.” he said “But I don't know what you're expecting of me.”

“I-” Yuzuru trailed off, because he had no idea what he was expecting. Forgiveness, probably.

Did he have the right to expect one, though?

Yuzuru let out a deep breath, and he felt his heart contracting. He looked into Javi's eyes, dark and familiar, but now with depth Yuzuru couldn't reach.

“You should go, Yuzu.” Javi said quietly, and his voice faltered a little “Just go.” he added, and his face wasn't blank anymore, it was raw and vulnerable, and pleading, and Yuzuru felt his heart pounding, his blood turning into fire.

He couldn't think, just like before, in the locker room.

He closed the distance between them with two steps and pressed his lips to Javi's.

Javi's lips were warm and chapped, but Yuzuru didn't have time to think about it, because after two, three seconds Javi put his hand on Yuzuru's chest and pushed him away, gently but with some shaky force.

Yuzuru looked at his face and his blood ran cold.

Javi was crying. There were a few tears running down his face and sparkling on his eylashes, and Yuzuru realized that the last time he had seen him crying was in Sochi.

“You don't get to do that.” Javi said, his voice hoarse and raw “You don't- you can't keep playing with me like this. You-” he inhaled deeply, sharply “Why are you doing this to me?”

It was a good question. But also a heartbreaking one.

 _I wish I could hate you_ , Yuzuru thought, and he could feel small cracks appearing in his heart _But I want you, I want you so much, and it terrifies me._

“I'm sorry.” Yuzuru mumbled for what felt like a thousandth time “I don't- I don't know what's happening to me.” he admitted in a raspy whisper and Javi's expression changed as he chuckled wetly, without a trace of happiness.

"I know." Javi said quietly "I know, but it's not my job to tell you that. It's not my-" he cut himself off, and Yuzuru could see a flash of hurt running through his expression, and the his eyes were so unbearably sad and gentle Yuzuru couldn't look at him anymore, so he closed his eyes and prayed to find enough strength to walk away.

But before he could move he felt gentle hands on his face and warm breath fanning over his lips, and a second later he felt so lips on his, and he gasped quietly, his hand finding Javi's shirt and curling on it.

It was soft and warm, and so much more than Yuzuru deserved, and when they pulled apart he was catching his breath while Javi looked at him with some strange, calm sadness.

"You want to know what's happening to you?" he asked quietly and Yuzuru nodded, and it felt like every muscle of his body was shaking.

Javi inhaled deeply, his thumbs stroking Yuzuru's cheeks, making his shudder at the contact.

"You're about to fall in love with me." he said quietly and Yuzuru's heart stopped for a second before resuming it's rapid rhythm.

"But you won't let yourself do that." Javi added, brushing Yuzuru's hair from his forehead "And it's okay, you know, it's fine, just-" he inhaled sharply, taking a step beck, hands dropping to his sides, and Yuzuru felt impossibly cold "- just stay away until you figure it out. Because I can't- I can't do this."

Yuzuru looked at him, and it didn't quite feel real.

But the thing was, Javi was right, Yuzuru could see that now.

So obvious. So damn stupid.

Maybe he shouldn't leave. Maybe he should give it a chance. Ask Javi about his own feelings. Make it right, somehow.

But now, when he knew what it was, he felt strangely calm. Because if he knew, he could also find a way how to fight it.

And that was exactly what he was going to do.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Like it? Hate it? Let me know in the comments!


End file.
